Light
by tracyh
Summary: Picking up from Derek saying he needed to speak to Rose. What happened next?


Light

**Light**

**A/N I know, I know, I should be focusing all my attention on Just One Second. It should have been finished about a million years ago (and that probably isn't an exaggeration) but here I am having a go at a one-shot. Yes, that's right, me, writing a one-shot that isn't going to turn into a multi-chapter waffle. I mean it. Truly.**

**This has been hitting me over the head since about five minutes after I finished watching the season four finale and it doesn't appear to want to stop, so it's being written, if only to stop it bashing my brains in. The title is probably completely irrelevant, but the image of a certain couple standing in their candle-house wouldn't go away, so it seemed appropriate. So, here goes. A one-shot. Please, read, enjoy, review, and wait just a bit longer for Just One Second.**

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Grey's. I don't even own as many candles as Meredith, so I have no chance owning a tv series.**

Derek walked away, taking purposeful steps back towards his car. He wanted to run, to jump in the car, hit the accelerator and do what needed to be done as fast as possible, before turning around and doing the same journey in reverse, back to his land, his trailer, his…..Meredith. But, as he walked, Derek knew Meredith was standing there, watching him, waiting for him. There was time. _They_ had time. So, Derek walked.

He could still hardly believe it. He'd searched everywhere for her, clutching the bottle of champagne in his hands, a bottle that a few hours before had been thrown away in a fit of frustration, rage, and….Guilt. Yes, Derek knew now. There was guilt. A whole load of guilt. He'd failed, twelve people were dead, for what seemed like no reason, and he'd caused it. Him, with his ego, which couldn't grasp for a second that he had made mistakes, because Derek Shepherd didn't fail, _couldn't_ fail. Well he had, spectacularly. He'd failed himself, he'd failed his patients, he'd failed Meredith, so instead of trying to fix something, salvage something from the mess, he did what he always did, what he realised now he'd been doing for months. He attacked. He said things, cruel, hurtful things, knowing that Meredith would walk away, she would give up on the trial, she would give up on him, but at least he would stop feeling like a failure.

Standing in the scrub-room with Rose, Derek felt like he was looking at himself in the mirror, seeing himself clearly for the first time, not the image of himself he liked to present. It hurt like hell. The pain of it almost brought him to his knees. He had failed Meredith over and over, and now, with their thirteenth clinical trial patient, he was about to do it again.

Hours later, when Beth woke up, her previously useless hand gripping his, Derek knew he'd been given another chance. He wasn't going to fail again. He had to find Meredith. He had to get it right this time. All of it.

The sight of Meredith standing there, surrounded by dozens of candles, yelling at him for all she was worth, would live with Derek for the rest of his life. She was fired up, he could see it in her eyes. She was strong, determined, and to Derek, more beautiful than he'd ever seen her. He couldn't help himself as she ranted. He walked towards her, watched her as she continued to rant, her hands emphasising every word, until he interrupted her. He cut her off, kissing her, holding her, while his mind grasped what she was saying. She wanted things. The house, the kids, the lifetime. Meredith wanted it. She'd spent what must have been hours using the candles to mark out the space their home would fill, the kitchen, the living room, the room where their kids could play. Meredith wanted it.

Derek knew what he had to do. He had to do it right. So he eased Meredith away, telling her that he had to speak to Rose. He knew he'd done it wrong before, going to Meredith with half-baked promises of commitment. He couldn't undo what he'd done in the past, but now, this time, he could get this time right.

Derek drove until eventually, when the night was drawing on around him and the Seattle streets were strangely quiet, he pulled up outside Rose's house. He got out of the car and walked up the path. He knocked on the door firmly, needing to be certain she heard him. He sighed with relief when he saw a light flick on through the small glass panel in the front door. This would be over soon.

The front door opened and revealed Rose, in a robe, which she pulled around herself when she realised who was on her doorstep. The gesture could have been a simple move to keep out the cool night air, or something else, something defensive. The way her face fell when she looked into Derek's eyes told him which it was. He wondered when he'd become so transparent. It was as if Rose already knew what he'd come to say.

'Hey', Rose tried to smile, but her face seemed to go in the wrong direction. 'Did Dr. Grey catch up with you? She said the tumour had shrunk, it was responding. You did it, you succeeded, you….you two are….legends.' The last word stumbled from her mouth almost reluctantly. She tried to smile again.

Derek nodded. 'Yes, she found me….Meredith…' He had to struggle to hold back a grin then. The thought that Meredith was waiting for him washed over him again. It pushed him on. He controlled himself, straightening his face. 'Rose, look, I know it's late, but I need to talk to you, there are things…I need to say things, and I….'

Rose looked at Derek, her eyes taking him in, as if she could read his thoughts. Earlier, in the scrub-room before Beth's surgery, Rose knew she'd been fooling herself, telling herself that when he said he'd failed he was talking about the patients he'd lost during the clinical trial, and the one he was probably about to lose on the table. Now Rose knew the truth. It was over. Whatever they'd been doing was over. She'd tried to come between a legend and she'd lost. The truth, she could see now, was that she hadn't come between them at all. Derek was always just marking time with her, the one he wanted was Dr. Grey, it had been all along.

Rose pushed her thoughts away. She looked at Derek again, watched him as he shifted from one foot to the other. He seemed eager to get this over with. Rose sighed. 'Be happy Derek,' she said simply, her mouth curving upwards slightly in something akin to a smile.

Derek stood there, his mouth dropping open in confusion. 'What?' He couldn't help it. He shook his head, realising he sounded stupid.

Rose's mouth curved even more, her lips forming a genuine smile at last. 'Look Derek, I know what you've come to say. I know you're here to tell me that you and Dr. Grey are back together, so I'm making it easier for you.'

Derek shook his head again. 'But I….' He tried to find the words. He knew he should at least say something, but as much as he didn't want to hurt Rose, he knew he didn't feel half as much guilt over her as he did over Meredith. He'd made a mistake dragging Rose into his mess, he knew that, and he was sorry, but he'd hurt Meredith, he'd let her down, failed her, again and again, even though he'd never meant to. The thought of it cut like a knife.

'Do you love her?'

Rose's voice cut across Derek's thoughts. He blinked. He remembered another time, a time when Meredith asked him the same thing about Addison. That time he didn't have an answer. He didn't know how he felt about the woman who'd betrayed him. But now, right this second, he knew. When it came to Meredith, he knew. 'More than anything.' He sighed, trying to look apologetic and failing. It was true. He loved Meredith Grey in a way he couldn't even explain, even to himself. He just loved her.

Rose swallowed and nodded. 'So, that's it then.' It was a simple statement. It was over. They both knew it.

'That's it then', Derek replied, sensing that the conversation was finished. They were done. He was almost surprised how easy it had been, he was grateful for it.

'Goodbye Derek,' Rose said the words softly, stepping back further into her hallway. She took the front door handle into her hand.

'Goodbye Rose', Derek replied, turning as Rose stepped right back inside. He heard rather than saw the front door close. He was already on his way back to his car.

It was almost light by the time Derek arrived back at his trailer. He looked towards where Meredith had built their house of candles earlier. He saw that most of the candles had gone out now. Little wisps of smoke hovered each one, as it lay exhausted and worn out on the grass. Derek smiled brightly at the sight. He was wide awake. It was some ridiculous time of night, or early morning, and he'd had no sleep, but he was wide awake. He looked at the spot where Meredith had been standing earlier, seeing that it was empty now. He wondered how long she'd waited before going home. He knew he couldn't realistically have expected her to stand there all night waiting for him. He knew she'd probably gone home, telling herself that what she'd done was stupid and pathetic. Derek made up his mind that once the sun had come up and Meredith had grabbed a few hours of sleep, he would go and see her. He knew he would probably have some work to do to convince her that what she'd done had been perfect, but he knew he had to try. He was going to get it right this time. He wasn't going to fail her again.

As Derek opened the door to the trailer he heard a noise. He stood there for a second absorbing the sound as if it was music. It was incredible, and loud, _very_ loud. Softly, he went inside, closing the door as quietly as possible. His eyes were drawn to the bed, where a figure lay, almost covered completely by the quilt. The noise grew louder as Derek edged towards the figure on the bed. It was snoring. Loudly.

When Derek was at the bedside, he dropped to his knees, trying not to wake her, telling himself not to touch, just to watch her. He couldn't help himself. Soon he was reaching out to brush a stray strand of hair away from her face. He almost regretted that at the sudden movement, she opened her eyes.

'You're back', Meredith said sleepily, her hand coming out from beneath the quilt to rub her face in an effort to wake herself properly.

Derek nodded, absorbing her with his eyes, taking her in as if he'd never seen her before. 'I am, and you're here too', he replied, grinning stupidly at the sight of her.

Meredith turned slightly to look at him. 'I waited and waited, and then I got cold and sleepy, so I came and got into bed. I didn't mean to fall asleep, I just wanted a nap, just for a while, I was going to be back out there again when you got back, I wanted to…'

'It's okay, I didn't expect you to stand out there all night, I just….I didn't want you to give up on me again.' The words slipped out before he could stop them. He waited for her reaction, hoping he hadn't just ruined everything.

Meredith looked into Derek's eyes. He was on his knees beside the bed, looking down on her with eyes that were full of emotion. She sighed. 'I didn't…I won't….I'm not giving up anymore Derek.' She faced him with a look of fierce determination. 'I want things. I want the house and the kids, maybe the house first, but I do, I want the house and the kids and…everything. I want everything.'

Derek swallowed hard. They were going to be all right. Meredith wanted things. Something about her was different, something tangible. She wanted things. With him. It gave him strength. 'I'm sorry.' Again the word fell from his mouth of its own volition.

Meredith looked at him, confused. 'For what?' She genuinely didn't seem to know what he was apologising for.

Derek sighed heavily, the breath catching in his throat. He knew he had to say this. It was part of putting everything right. Fixing what he'd broken. 'I'm sorry for everything Meredith, everything. I'm sorry for leaving you to try with Addison, I'm sorry for stringing you along, I'm sorry for being a bastard to you when you were with Finn, I'm sorry for calling you…for c-calling you…,' Derek couldn't help himself, his voice trembled at the memory of the day he'd almost called her a whore. He struggled to regain some control. 'I'm sorry for all the time I've backed off and run away from you, I'm sorry for what happened with Rose, I'm sorry for all the time I've spent blaming you for all our problems. I'm just sorry Meredith, I'm so sorry.'

Meredith listened as Derek poured out everything. She watched as his eyes filled with tears when he remembered when they fought over Finn. She couldn't deny it, hearing him apologise helped. She hadn't realised how much she'd needed to hear him say it. 'Thank you', she said simply.

'You're welcome, and I'm still sorry.' Derek smiled weakly.

'Come here,' Meredith said, after a long silent moment. She beckoned to him with a finger.

Derek didn't hesitate. Within a second he had reached out and Meredith was holding him in her arms. 'I spoke to Rose.' He said, inhaling the scent of her hair as he spoke.

Meredith nodded, her chin bobbing up and down on Derek's shoulder. 'Was she okay?' she asked softly.

Derek eased out of Meredith's arms slightly. 'She guessed what I was there for, she knew it was over, that there wasn't anything to finish really. She wasn't you. She could never be you.'

Meredith smiled at his words. 'Good' she replied, 'So, what happens now?' She arched her brow at Derek quizzically.

Derek moved from his knees and sat on the edge of the bed. 'What do you want to happen? I mean, I know what I want, but if you…If it's too soon for you, I can wait, I mean, I know you don't trust me yet, and I'll do everything to show you that you can, that I won't hurt you again, but if you….'

'Derek', Meredith cut him off, grinning at him, 'I'm the one who rambles, remember?'

Derek grinned back, 'I remember.'

Meredith pulled him closer. She grinned wider when she heard his breath catch at their closeness. 'So, what are you waiting for?'

Derek gaped at her, suddenly lost for words.

'Take me for a ride Derek.'

He didn't need to be asked twice.

**A/N So, there we are, a one-shot. A longish one-shot, but still. Good? Bad? I'll know if you review.**


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